Log: Never wanted to be leader (Lindsey and Gwen)

[ooc: adult contenty lies within!]


Gwen pressed a hand against her head, trying to soothe away the ache as she stared at the map.

“Ok, Rondell, take a couple of your boys, patrol the north area, here,” she pointed. “Drew, Nina, you should cover these areas here and here, just flanking Kr’ph’s territory. Conner, you’re on recon up by Beverly Hills, try to get some news on Spike and Illyria, Justine, you can do a sweep of old Korea town and David, you can swing by Downtown. I’ll take this area to the east, here.”

The angry red-headed woman merely scowled as the teenager next to her nodded, excitedly. David had been handling patrols well, even if he wasn’t as stealthy as some of the older guys. Gwen caught a glimpse of a brief frown from Conner and Rondell before she grabbed her weapons and headed out.

Her patrol was uneventful, only a few skirmishes that she dealt with quickly. Most of the action had been concentrated on Kr’ph’s area, that particular demon Lord had claimed Westwood for his territory and was fighting off challengers daily.

As she headed back to the base she noticed the eerie quiet over the hotel. Gripping her gun tightly she headed in, with a strong degree of caution. The colour drained from her face as she saw the crowd of people around the table, all looking at the body on there.

Rondell, Gunn’s former second in command, took a step back, eyeing her seriously. “He went to Downtown by himself. He went to Lord Burge’s Downtown. By himself.”

Gwen shook her head in denial as she looked at David’s body. “I never meant…. He wasn’t supposed to go alone, he was supposed to take back up, no one goes to Downtown without back up, what was he….”

The 16 year old’s eyes were still open and unseeing and Gwen’s hand shook as she reached out to close them.
“It’s my fault, I shoulda said something to him, made sure he knew…”

Rondell took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “No, he knew the routine, he shoulda taken someone with him.” He tried to catch Gwen’s eyes. “Not your fault girl.”

Gwen stared stubbornly at David before reaching out and touching the penknife, shaped like dog tags, on a chain around his neck. It had been his father’s way back when, and it had his initials engraved on it. Gwen slipped it off his neck, and put it around her own, next to her ‘Aneue’ pendant from Jou.

“Take him out back,” she finally said. “Salt and burn the body, make sure you put up a grave.”

She walked out, grabbing her laptop on the way and feeling Rondell’s eyes on her back all the way. She typed something on the comm, she wasn’t even sure what it was, along with a message for Lindsey. Alleyway, 20 mins. She didn’t need to wait around for a reply.

It took her less time to reach the alley and she stood there, waiting, her back turned against the entrance, one hand gripping the wire fence as the other held onto David’s chain.

Lindsey had spent the day downtown. Burge had wanted a meeting, had questioned what he’d been doing and why. Seemed revenge was a good answer. He’d come away with some names Burge wanted rid of and was happy to do it.

They’d die and he’d be one step closer to Angel.

He reached the alley still bloody and grimy from the fight and then he saw her, She looked like hell, ironically, tired and sad and angry all at once. His voice was at a low growl as he stepped into the alley.

“Lemme guess, long day and you want me to help you let off some steam…Well who am I to say no when its offered on a plate, up against the fence huh? Nice.”

Gwen looked up when he spoke. Back in the old days, she’d have been practically spitting fire by now, but she just couldn’t bring herself to care much. No, that wasn’t right…. She couldn’t bring herself to even feel much any more.

“Shut up.”

She grabbed him by the shirt, pulling him towards her before slamming him up against the fence and holding him there.

“Don’t wanna talk.”

She kissed him hard. She should have been still delighting in being able to touch him, but instead she just felt numb. She took a step back, releasing him with a scowl.

“Not enough.”

He saw it, that need that desperate need that he felt too and twisted, slamming her against the fence hard and hissing at the few sparks that escaped her, he kissed her passionate but without anything resembling feeling and pushed back already undoing his jeans.

“So whats enough…Never did ask Winchester how you liked it? Guessing hard and fast and filthy if I know you Raiden?” he smirked.

"Shows what you know then doesn't it," she practically spat back. She wanted to be angry, but she just couldn't bring herself to.

"Think you're so fucking smart, think you know me. But you fucking left Lindsey. Left LA, left me for over 2 years. Things happen, people change."

She tugged him closer and kissed him fiercely.

"Just wanna feel something..."

“You don’t change Raiden, not about me, never about me” he hissed in her ear, moving to undo the pants she wore.

“You’ve wanted me for so long and now…now you come running whenever you need to feel alive, is that it. Cause you know that I won’t try and ask you about your ‘feelings’, Let me guess, there was a death, Another grave out your backyard and you blame yourself… cause Gwen has to take charge of everyone or everything, Gwen has to keep them all safe…How much does it bother you that you don’t have a hope with me huh?”

He pulled the pants down over her hips not bothering with any kind of foreplay bar his cruel words and smirked.
“I can make you feel though…always could”

"What makes you so sure?" she half laughed, though lacking any humour. "Anyone can change, fuck, maybe i'll be turned into a vamp or something, change the way Darla did. Actually wanna kill you instead of fuck you."

She let him pull her pants off, not helping him, but not resisting either, even as she kept her tight grip on his shoulders.

"Would you stake me Lindsey? Could you? A stake in my heart, turn me to dust. Or would you find it a fucking turn on?"

She kissed him again before moving onto kiss down his neck, finally biting him sharply.

"How can I talk about my feelings when I don't have any? Yeah, someone else died, a 16 year old kid and it was my fault. And you know what I feel about it?" She pulled him closer, slipping her hand inside his jeans as she lowered her voice. "Not a damn thing."

“Nothing huh…Good girl, feelings get you hurt” he told her groaning as her hand found its way inside his jeans.

“..Kid was an idiot obviously, getting himself killed” he told her, “Gotta keep on your toes here you know that well as me”

He asked would he stake her, and he grinned, “Depends…y’think he’d notice” he asked manicly as her hand worked itself into a pace as he hardened.

“…Where was it anyway?” he managed.

"I told you, I don't wanna talk about my feelings or my lack of them," she almost snarled. "What I want is for you to screw me senseless until I can't think any more, you got a problem with that?"

She kept up the motion of her hand, leaning forward to murmur in his ear.

"Except it's not me you wanna screw."

She chose her words carefully, remembering when he'd told her about Darla saying the exact same thing.

"You wanna screw him. You fuck me because he did, you'd only stake me if you thought he'd notice, everything you do is about him. You've let him take over your life and control you completely."

She bit his ear before laughing.

"You've become Angelus's bitch without him even needing to be here."

She smirked as she pulled back before the expression faded.

"Downtown. He was killed in Downtown. Burge's territory."

She was being deliberately cruel, changing Darla’s words just enough that it stung all the more. She wasn’t ready for him, not yet but he didn’t care, sliding her panties down over her thighs.

“I was downtown…Burge has noticed y’know, what I’ve been doing. Your little dead soldier. Coulda been me that did it. I don’t know…and know what don’t much care a damn either”

He hitched her up around his waist and thrust into her, not caring anymore how much she hated him.

Finally, she felt something. Rage, grief, anger, she wasn’t sure what, but she found herself struggling to breathe as she pushed him away.

“Get off me,” she muttered before she started to shake. “Get off me, get off me, get off me.”

Her voice rose with each protest until she was almost screaming, needing to get away from him.

She shook and he pulled away, pushed her against the fence and backed a few paces away as if she had sparked him, he pulled on his jeans again and raised his eyes to meet hers.

“Told you you’d hate me eventually” he growled, before stalking off into the darkness.

After Lindsey left Gwen merely let herself slide down the wall to the ground, drawing her knees up close and trying not to shake too much. Even though he'd left, even though he may have killed one of her boys, she still wished he was here. Or at least the guy he used to be.

Despite how bad an idea it was, she closed her eyes and tried to block the world out for a moment. If a demon attacked her, so be it.

He didn't know what had made him stray so far from Beverly Hills but Spike cursed when he realized where he was, back in that dammed ally. Back where this had all started.

He realized very quickly though that he wasn't alone here.

"Gwen" he asked, worried as he spotted the state the girl was in, she'd given up.

"What’s wrong pet?"

Gwen looked up sharply at the English accent, relaxing slightly when she saw Spike.

"Nothing," she muttered, trying to look as composed as possible and straightening her clothes.

"What happened to you, no one heard a damn thing from you for ages. Beverly Hills right?"

"Yeah, me and bluebell..." he said kneeling down next to her.

"But your not being completely honest with me here because something is wrong. Cause you...don't do something as stupid as sit in this alley not caring who or what finds you. What’s happened?"

She shot him a faintly amused look. "Does she know you call her Bluebell?"

He wasn't going away though and she sighed.

"It's nothing, just a rough day and Lindsey McDonald." She eyed him suspiciously. "You didn't know about what Angel got Lorne to do right?"

"Not a clue till after the fact, Think Angel was wrong if its any consolation, shoulda just shot the little idiot himself, way he did it, using him like that... made a lot of things worse, for him, for Lorne...for you" he added.

"...Whats the cowboy done pet?" he asked a little worriedly.
Gwen smiled faintly at that, glad that Spike at least agreed with the stupidity of Angel.

"He's just..." She paused with a smirk. "He took the whole assassination attempt really badly." The smirk faded as she just looked worried. "He's damn near looking to get himself killed, or kill Angel, or who the fuck knows. One of my kids died today, now Lindsey's claiming he may have killed him. It's like he doesn't care any more, about anyone, or about me."

She sighed and let her head fall back to rest against the wall.

"Oh and did I mention that we're sleeping together now? And by sleeping together I mean having quick fucks, normally here before we end up shouting at each other and one of us storms off. So yeah, go ahead and tell me how fucked in the head I am."

Spike wasn't entirely sure what she wanted him to say, she wouldn't like it he knew that.

"Your fucked in the head" he repeated. "Loves Bitch, and that...well its something I know a little bit about"

Something clicked in Spike's head, Killing, around here, this near downtown. Son of a bitch,

Spike knew what he was thinking.

"He's dangerous Gwen...if he's going down that path...you know who runs Downtown and you know what it means if he's chosen to work for him. You need to stay clear, for your sake and the people your protecting"

Gwen scowled. "I know, I know. Burge. Lord fucking Burge and if Lindsey's working for him now things are worse than I thought but..." She finally turned to look at Spike.

"I can't give up on him. it's stupid and it's selfish and I know that, but still, I can't. Been through too much together for me to turn my back on him now."

She shrugged, somewhat helplessly. "I love him Spike. Not that he knows that, but I do."
He didn't know what to say to her, nothing he could say could make that pain he knew she was feeling go away.

"...He loved you too y'know...was glaringly obvious. But you have to ask yourself, Is his hatred of Angel more important to him than you. Working with Burge...its not looking good"

He knelt beside her draping an arm around her shoulders.

"S'ok pet, I'm here right." he said by way of comfort
"Love's bitch huh?"

She smiled weakly, before leaning into him, glad he was around. Which was a very disconcerting thing to be feeling about a vampire, even this one.

"Sometimes I think maybe he did, kinda, but gotta say, coming second to an obsession to revenge, not exactly the ego boost I was hoping for." She half laughed. "Especially after my ex tried to kill me for my powers. Man, I know how to pick 'em."

Not for the first time she wished she could still smoke and drink, anything to take the edge off a bit.

"So what do I do? Forget him?"

"Its kind of the only way. Though not easy...I tried it for a while with Dru and it made me crazy, Then I tried to forget Buffy and it made me crazy....well...no...the first and memories of my mum made me crazy but the Buffy forgetting helped. What I'm trying to say luv is, you can't forget him...not if you love him but you have to put him aside."

Spike pulled her closer to him, letting her rest her head on his shoulder.

"He's got a lot of anger Sparks, I know what thats like..but you can't be there when that anger erupts"

He shrugged,

"Maybe there'll be enough of him left to come back to you maybe not, but do you really want to take that chance...and hey, look on the upside cowboy might actually manage to kill Angel..." he added with a smirk.

Gwen managed a laugh at Spike’s attempt at talking.

“Ok, I’m sure that made sense somewhere. I’ll just go with the you’re kinda crazy and so am I part.”

She shook her head slightly, with a mixture of sadness and frustration.

“Maybe I should try to reach minimum safe distance from him, for a while at least. See if he does explode any time soon. Fuck.” She growled a the last part before pulling away and standing up.

“I gotta get back. Deal with the shit back there.” She gave the blonde vampire a calculating look before coming to a decision. “You and Bluebell ever get tired of the lone duo act, come look us up, Santa Monica. Maybe we can work something out.”

He gave her a smirk and a mock salute which made her smile slightly before she turned and headed back to the hotel.